I have probably been depressed since I was a child.   I can recall the feelings of depression setting in for the first time when I was in the 5th grade. It happened on and off for years, what I know now were major episodes I just figured were "who I was" some people aren't "happy".   It was long enough ago that my parents would have seen me as just a typical "moody" adolescent.   Getting "help" probably never occurred to them, despite what I think now must have been pretty obvious signs of serious depression.

As an adult I tried to kill myself 3x. I still never got help.   Oh, I got to the ER, but each incident just had me go home with a reminder to get an appointment at the mental health clinic, no follow up ever happened, and nobody ever tried to keep me in the hospital.

I told clients all the time that they should go get help when they needed it. That they shouldn't be ashamed, or feel bad about it.   I believed that, I just somehow couldn't apply the same ideas to myself. Maybe I didn't deserve help? I don't know.

Finally when I was in my mid 30's I realized I deserved to feel better.   I made an appointment and told the doctor I was sad, miserable, desperate for help.   He gave me a prescription for effexor xr along with a starter pack and sent me on my way.   I was so lucky, after a short (but miserable) week of side effects and a couple more weeks on the meds I noticed a distinct difference in how I felt when it came time to face the world every morning.   Not only did I notice it, several people who had no idea I was getting help, or that much of my moody, mean attitude stemmed from depression noticed it, and made kind comments about how much happier I seemed.

It wasn't a perfect finish. I wasn't cured. I've had my ups and downs. But I've never been suicidal again, and I'm finding ways to help myself during the harder times, I share it both for myself, and in hopes that anyone who feels getting help, or sticking with fighting the battle isn't worth it, will find something here that strikes some sort of note with them.